The Unyielding Symphony of Irony: "10 Facts the West Must Understand Before Talking to Putin"

When we read an article titled "10 Facts the West Must Understand Before Talking to Putin," penned by Konstantin Remchukov, one can't help but feel a bit like we’ve stumbled into a conversation where the punchline is missing, but everyone’s laughing anyway. It feels a little like watching a magician perform sleight of hand – you know something's up, but you can’t quite figure out what’s been pocketed. In this case, it might be the author's intent, logic, or simply our sanity.

Let’s take a moment to delve into these "facts," each wrapped in a thick layer of irony so palpable you could cut it with a butter knife. Here’s an analysis, served with an extra dose of sarcasm and a generous side of "Wait, what?"

Fact 1: Putin’s Divine Decision-Making

Apparently, Vladimir Putin is not just a man; he’s the human embodiment of infallibility. He personally makes every important decision in Russia, guided by his cosmic sense of "historical responsibility." Imagine that—a single individual entrusted with shaping the course of a country, its history, and possibly the world's fate. He’s a bit like Thanos, if Thanos gave more speeches. Putin's June 14 speech reportedly went on for 80 minutes, as if to say, “Not only do I make every decision, but I also make them long.” So, before you engage with Putin, be sure to clear your schedule for monologues. The West may need to prepare not for dialogue, but for a historical soliloquy.

Fact 2: The Guardian of Russian Security

Since 2014, Putin has taken it upon himself to be the ultimate protector of Russia and its Russian-speaking brethren in Ukraine. He’s like a superhero whose powers include annexation and aggressive foreign policy. Remchukov assures us that Putin can’t pass the torch until this task is completed, which is a relief, really. Who else could handle such delicate matters—those oligarchs in his inner circle, perhaps? No, we’re told, they’re mere mortals compared to Putin’s divine status. He’s the only one capable of solving problems, so buckle up, because this ride isn’t ending anytime soon.

Fact 3: Putin Will Not Resign

Well, if this didn’t feel ominous enough, the message here is clear: don’t get your hopes up, folks. Putin isn't going anywhere. In fact, he can’t even imagine life as a regular person anymore. The idea of resignation? Laughable. He’s in the Kremlin for the long haul. Western leaders hoping to see the back of Putin might as well start planning for Putin 2050. It’s as though Russia has its very own version of the Energizer Bunny—keeps on going, and going, and going...

Fact 4: The World is Ready for Nuclear Talks... Just Maybe Not With Anyone Competent

Ah, nuclear war. Just the kind of topic you’d want to casually bring up over brunch. According to Remchukov, the world’s ready to talk nukes, but the real challenge is that Joe Biden, the only Western leader who seems to "get it," might be on his way out. The suggestion that neither Kamala Harris nor Donald Trump are up to snuff when it comes to foreign policy is both ironic and hilarious. If the future of humanity relies on a showdown between Putin and... well, pick any other politician... it’s looking a lot like that doomsday clock might need a battery change.

Fact 5: Russia’s Greatness is Independent of Ukraine (Wait, What?)

This is the part where Remchukov attempts to rewrite the textbook of Russian nationalism. Sure, Zbigniew Brzezinski once said Russia’s greatness hinged on its unity with Ukraine, but that’s old news now. Apparently, Russia is just fine without it. The fact that there’s a literal war going on to keep Ukraine within Moscow’s sphere of influence? No big deal. Russia can still be great because, as Remchukov hastily adds, greatness isn’t about territory anymore; it’s about "well-being, health care, education, and technology." Insert eye roll here.

Fact 6: Russia’s Economy: It’s All About the Oil Price, Baby

According to Remchukov, the Russian government has this economy thing all figured out. Oil’s at $60 per barrel, and that’s all you need to know. The economy is steady, and there’s no reason to worry about minor details like sanctions, war costs, or technological isolation. Just trust the government’s realism, which is, apparently, as robust as Putin’s "sense of historical responsibility." That $69 forecasted oil price in 2025? Pure financial wizardry. Who needs Silicon Valley when you’ve got a stable oil price projection?

Fact 7: The Glorious Liberation of Novorossiya

Now, onto military strategy. Remchukov tells us that Russia’s goal is to secure the Donetsk and Lugansk regions—and maybe a little slice of Novorossiya on the side. It’s almost like he’s describing a property expansion in a video game. The fact that these territorial claims are the driving force behind a bloody, ongoing conflict? Let’s gloss over that. What matters here is that one way or another, the operation will be “completed,” and peace will reign once all of Ukraine’s strategic regions are under Moscow’s control. Easy, right?

Fact 8: Ukraine Exists (Sort Of)

The article's eighth "fact" feels like the moment in a reality TV show when someone says something almost reasonable, but it’s too little too late. Remchukov concedes that, shockingly, many Ukrainians actually consider themselves Ukrainian and don’t want to be part of Russia. Who knew? He assures us, though, that Moscow recognises Ukraine as a state now. How generous. What follows is the baffling assertion that Russia isn’t actually trying to destroy Ukraine... despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. It’s almost touching, really, how this narrative tries to spin Russia as the reluctant invader.

Fact 9: Negotiation Nightmares

Apparently, the West hasn’t quite grasped the intricacies of Zelensky’s legitimacy in Putin’s eyes. Something about Ukraine’s Constitutional Court potentially ruling his peace plan invalid. You see, the problem isn’t that Russia refuses to negotiate—it’s that trust is at an all-time low. No kidding. The sheer volume of loopholes and hypotheticals being raised here makes one wonder if the Kremlin is negotiating with a Rubik’s cube instead of a sovereign country.

Fact 10: A New World Order... Hopefully Without Another World War

Finally, Remchukov hints at the possibility of a new international order, one that offers "equal security for all states." Given that the previous iterations of world orders followed global catastrophes like World War I and II, this part reads less like hopeful idealism and more like a thinly veiled threat. The hope is that humanity has learned something since those wars, but let’s face it, if history has taught us anything, it’s that people in power tend to repeat mistakes with a stunning lack of self-awareness.

Let’s Conclude: The Real "Fact" We Must Understand

In the end, this article, packed with contradictions, omissions, and dramatic flourishes, leaves one with a clear takeaway: when dealing with Putin, facts are less important than narratives. The Russian statecraft on display here seems like a performance where the actors believe their lines, but the audience is left scratching their heads. The West is cautioned not to "delude" itself about Putin or Russia’s greatness, but one wonders if perhaps, the greatest delusions are happening on the other side of the Kremlin walls.