The Official Biden-Trump Debate Drinking Game

America makes history tonight, as the first ever televised debate between a terminal narcissist and a literal dead person will be held at 9 p.m., moderated by Chris Wallace of Fox News.

Fellow Useful Idiots host Katie Halper and I will be moderating a livestreamed debate drinking game:

Previous episodes hosted during the Democratic and Republican Conventions produced interesting, if not always coherent content. Tonight we may be drinking out of pure depression, which is probably not sporting but may be in line with what a lot of politics-watchers are feeling this evening. If you don’t have a rooting interest, the black humor/car wreck factor should be high, something we tried to account for in the rules.

The potential for this event to spiral out of control and descend into an Ali-Frazier-Studio-Brawl situation is significantly higher than in any major party debate before, light years beyond even the Trump-Clinton stalk-fest.

Trump and Biden are each almost guaranteed to go after one another’s children. Even if Trump somehow doesn’t call Biden a drug-addled dummy, or challenge him to remember what state he’s in, Wallace could easily bring it up and goad Trump into doubling down. Would we be surprised by something like, “Joe hasn’t had a hard-on in thirty years?” We would not.

Similarly, would we be shocked if Biden’s brain malfunctioned mid-insult and said something like, “Answer that, you stupid fat un-American bastard!” No, we wouldn’t. Trump has a history of breathing down his opponent’s collar, while Biden has a long record of jamming his bony Creepshow-finger in the sternums of people who challenge him — hell, he does it to people who like him. He nibbled his wife’s finger onstage and is on record talking about fighting people with bicycle chains. Trump has been known to spray water bottles around at the podium and go after wives and mothers of political opponents. These are weird, unstable dudes, in a super-charged environment, on live TV.

In any case, drink THE FIRST TIME:

1. Biden begins a sentence with, “Look.”

2. Biden brings up Trump’s taxes, or “$750.”

3. Trump mentions “Hunter.” Double-shot if he gives him a nickname, like “Crack-boy.”

Drink EVERY TIME:

1. Biden mentions “Obama” or the “Obama-Biden administration.”

2. Biden says, “United States of America.”

3. Trump calls Biden a radical leftist. Double if he references the “Bernie-Biden left” or some iteration thereof.

4. Trump mocks Biden for being mentally impaired or lost without a teleprompter.

5. Biden gives up his time before it’s up, a.k.a. the “Check, please!” rule.

6. Biden invokes, “C’mon, Man,” “Malarkey,” “Scranton,” “Existential threat,” “Soul of the Nation,” or “I’m the guy that…”

7. Trump brings up “ballots,” “fake news,” “Ilhan Omar,” “career politician,” “Get Trump,” “hoax,” “Sleepy,” or the awesomeness of police.

8. Biden brings up the loss of any of his family members. Double if Trump steers this moment in an inappropriate direction.

9. Trump tells a lie; Biden says something that doesn’t make sense.

10. The men accuse each other of being racist. Drink twice if you believe the charge.

11. Martyr shots: Biden invokes the name of a nonwhite police victim like Breonna Taylor or George Floyd, or Trump invokes the name of an embattled statue subject like Jefferson, Lincoln, or Teddy Roosevelt.

12. “Amy Coney Barrett.” Bonus if Biden botches the name, e.g. “Amy Hairy Conehead.”

You may finish your remaining alcohol if there is a fight. The men grabbing each other by the neck, pulling ties or underwear bands, spitting, ball-kicking, or any other physical provocation counts.

Do not politics and drive. Follow @kthalps and @mtaibbi for updates before the event.